day 11 – don’t sweat
It doesn’t have to be done all at once. It will never all be finished. There will be more. And that is a wonderful thing. It means I am still alive. The end will be the end, and until then the book is still being written. And I am the author.
I was the kid that read the last chapter of the book first. Set the expectation of having it all figured out ahead of time. I don’t have it figured out. I won’t have it figured out. And that is a wonderful thing. It means I am still learning.
I have a tendency to set up all or nothing situations. If I can’t do everything I can’t do anything. I can’t do everything. But I can do anything. And that is a wonderful thing. It means my life is full of possibility.
It is easier to notice what isn’t working than what is. More is working than what isn’t. And that is a wonderful thing. It means I have a lot to be grateful for.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
That is all for now.
day 10 – poison vs nectar
Writing a blog a day is hard work. Especially after super long, intensely filled days. A friend of mine, the wonderful Chelsea Vespa, otherwise known as LA Nanny, recently asked me the following questions after a mini breakdown while writing #30daysto30:
Are you sure this isn’t making you crazy?
Are you getting any joy out of it?
Is it working for you?
These are questions I ask my students/clients all the time. Yet, when presented to me, it was a pretty hard hit. The truth is I’m not really sure yet. Joy? not so much. Crazy? not quite crazy… a little nutty, sure. Working? definitely working, just not in the way I expected it to. Another lesson reinforced. No expectations = no disappointment. The frustrations and difficulty I’ve been working through are related to unmet, unrealistic expectations. Time to de-link from the outcome and enjoy the ride!
They say it takes 60 days to form a habit. A negative habit is pretty easy… something feels good, keep doing it, then it stops feeling good, but too late, habits already formed. However, to form a positive habit, that is a bit trickier. It often takes more effort, feels awkward and uncomfortable at first. Like putting on an already wet wet suit – ever given that a try? But once it’s on, awww yea, warmth baby.
One of my favorite sayings that seems to be on repeat for me lately is:
What tastes like poison in the beginning is often nectar in the end, and what tastes like nectar in the beginning is often poison in the end.
So right now, on day 10, the blog might be making me a bit nutty, it isn’t bringing me all that much joy yet, but I know that it is for sure working for me, because I am working for it and that work is the reward, not the outcome. The dedication to follow through with something I started. To not give up when it gets tough and uncomfortable, causes late nights and self-doubt I thought I had worked through to rear its ugly head once again. Guess there’s more work to be done… and what better way to deal with that than on a completely public forum for the world to see and judge and criticize right? Right 🙂 While this process may taste a little like poison tonight, I know that in the end, no matter the outcome, there will be nectar. I don’t know what that will look like, I don’t know if my expectations will end up being met after all, in fact I don’t even really know what my expectations are anymore. Although, I am starting to get an idea based on the agitations that keep showing up for me.
So tonight I am posting knowing that something sweet is coming. Grateful for all that has preceded it – without the dark, how can we know/appreciate light?
Here’s to doing the work for 20 more days and beyond!
To be cont’d…
day 9 – real
A day to dress up and be something/someone else. Often used as an excuse to be excessive. Eat tons of shitty candy, dress like a slutty whore, drink like a fish, etc. Sorry to take all the fun out of it, but… I personally use it as an excuse to crimp my hair once a year. Yep, I still own my original crimper from the 80s. It is almost 30 too:) Each year I wonder why I don’t crimp more often. Crimped hair rocks!
Today got me thinking… what if every day was Halloween? Who would I show up as? Would it be someone different every day? Maybe for a little while…live in the fantasy, play dress up. But after a while I would get bored, sick of putting it all together, ready to get back to being myself. Maybe myself with some crimped hair, but still myself 🙂
When I really think about it, every day is Halloween. Every day many of us get up and put our mask on. You know the one – the makeup, the suit, the walls we build, the image we present to the world etc. That mask can be terrifying or beautiful; it’s up to us. We can wake up each day and be a ghoulish asshole, or a gorgeous butterfly. In the end who we show up as in the world as, is a choice.
So here I am, sitting back, reflecting on who I show up as. It’s an interesting question to explore. Over the past year I have been diligently working on showing up as a more authentic me – living with a little more truth, a little more integrity, a little more real. So today, and every day I choose to be me!
Who are you showing up as?
day 8 – exactly where I need to be
My first yoga class (outside of a gym) was in 2005 at the Omega Institute while on a life-altering mommy-daughter trip with my momma and our good friends Bari and Ali (DogtailsShop.com). My mom had started practicing yoga about a year prior and had been trying to convince me to attend with her. During our break from the amazing workshop we were attending with THE Dan Millman, we headed off to take a class together. My mom had been practicing vinyasa flow, but thought Kundalini sounded interesting. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I sat between my mom and an older man. The teacher began chanting in a language I did not understand and made no attempt at explaining a thing. We were instructed to moan – it sounded like a very disturbing orgy in the room had erupted. Then we came to lie down on our stomachs where we were told to hump the ground, while doing the moaning. The older man next to me proceeded to fart throughout the entire class. It smelled horrible! Yet, somehow we stuck it out and made it to the end of the class. I swore I would never take another yoga class again. It took some convincing before I did, and when I did, it was definitely NOT a Kundalini class. That shit is weird! Oh no, never again! That is…until tonight.
As I have continued on this yoga journey, I have experienced many different types of classes, teachers, thoughts, ideas, beliefs. I have tried all different sorts of practices, often with a very closed mind. I figured out what I liked and everything else was “weird”. Hmm, wonder where that stems from 🙂 As I near 30, that is beginning to change. I am practicing what I preach – just because you like it, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean it’s bad. And just because something sucks the first time, doesn’t mean it will the second time (if that were true, not many people would be having sex:P). I am opening myself up to possibility.
I’ve been told over and over since moving to LA over 4 years ago that I have to try Golden Bridge – that it will change my mind about Kundalini. The closest I’d gotten before tonight was eating at the café (nitemoon.com), which was scrumptious, check it out! Tonight a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a class with her, I figured what the hell, it can’t be anywhere close to as bad as the first one. And let me tell you it was NOT, it was the opposite! It was super fucking dope. The message was extremely relatable; in fact it was exactly what I needed to hear. It went a little something like this: You can’t get anywhere without recognizing where you’re at, and where you’re at is exactly where you need to be, because it is where you are.
I am right where I need to be!
In this moment, I am right where I need to be.
I could just repeat that over and over. Such a good reminder after spending a lot of time recently future tripping and attaching to outcomes, rather than focusing on the task at hand. Then on top of that the instructor (Suze Q – she rocks!) pulled an Archangel card that read: Keep an open mind, and learn new ideas. Then teach these ideas to others. Learning and teaching are linked in a perfect cycle, in which information comes to you when you need it. Doesn’t get more serendipitous than that folks! And to top it all off, through all the “weird” breathing and moving and what not, my body felt like it was on ecstasy. Haven’t felt that feeling in years…12 to be exact. Now I get to experience it for a whole lot less money, in a whole lot healthier way. Win!
In the end, I don’t know whether it was the change in the Kundalini class, or my willingness that made this experience so much different than the last. But I do know that as I enter into my 30s I am going to try those things that I turned my nose up to in the past. Who knows, they might just bring me ecstasy 🙂
day 7 – bad day
Struggling to find the words tonight. I have 8 minutes until it is no longer day 7 and chances are this post won’t be up. Fail. Does it count if I haven’t gone to bed yet?
The day started off ok, busy (as always), but overall smooth sailing. Then I entered the danger zone. I started to surf the web – found some cool blogs, did a little reading… and that was the beginning of the end. Looking at what others are doing brings on an onslaught of comparison, which turns into self-loathing and a strong sense of defeat. The I’m not good enough’s started creeping in, along with the what the hell am I doing with myself’s? and the you will never be as good as them’s. Fun times.
I recently attended a networking event for Young Female Entrepreneurs where a couple of brilliant women – Nailah Blades of polkadotcoaching.com and Donna Queza of marketing-optimist.com – shared their Five Not-So-Sparkly Truths of Entrepreneurship with the group. As I was using myself as a punching bag, I was reminded of their talk and pulled up the info where I came across this gem:
Entrepreneurship is a hustle. It always has been and it will continue to be, even as you grow into a bigger, stronger female entrepreneur. As Danielle LaPorte famously said, “You’ll never fully arrive.” There will always be something that someone else is seemingly better at. When you start getting into comparison mode STOP, and re-focus on the things you are knocking out of the park.
So I decided to focus on teaching – on leading the most kick ass, connected, real and wonderful class ever. As I was teaching (Nue Yoga at Nue Studio) I heard myself saying the same shit I often do about letting go of what’s no longer serving us and choosing to be happy, focusing on what’s working etc. Yet I was still feeling like shit. As I was talking, I reminded myself of a great teaching from training a couple of weeks ago. Get ready people, this one might blow your mind: it is ok to have a bad day. I repeat: it is ok to have a bad day! (Thanks Chrisy Marsden of Yoga Blend).
If I am constantly trying to fight feeling crappy I am ignoring the truth, stuffing it down somewhere and filling myself up with shit, which will eventually explode and that could be quite messy. Sometimes we just have to sit in the shit – play around in it, get real stinky. Sometimes that is the only way that things will get better. In the end, it’s about feeling more happy and less crappy as my students say 🙂
So, I am having a crappy day. There I said it. Tomorrow will be a new one. One where I can work on focusing on the things I am knocking out of the park and remembering that I AM ENOUGH!!!