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day 5 – thoughts

Oct 28th, 2012 jessica Blog

thoughtsWhere thoughts go, energy flows…

…the Internet went out.  FUCK!  Here I am on vacation stressed as fuck because I can’t get my work done, I can't write my blog.  How messed up is that?! and then the self-doubt kicks in – what’s the point anyways? Nobody is going to read this thing.  Nobody gives a shit what I have to say.  It’s ok to quit now, no one will notice.  I look at other people’s blogs, facebook pages etc. that have been around for a while and compare, thinking to myself: why don’t I have over 500 likes yet (www.facebook.com/OneDownDog)? why aren’t 1,000’s of people reading my blog?  I am a yoga teacher, what is wrong with me? Why am I being so negative? Why can’t I practice what I preach 100% of the time?

It’s only day 5, and already I am planning my demise.

So then I started to explore: what is that all about?  It’s a habit – where thoughts go, energy flows.  I dug the groove of self-doubt so deep that it has become a raging river of negativity.  Creating a stream of positive thinking is going to take some time. Yet I have the expectation to have it all and have it quickly, and that’s what fucks me up.  These things take time and I am impatient.  So I am going to post today and tomorrow and 23 more days after that and then I am going to keep blogging and writing and cheering myself on until the little tiny stream of positivity becomes a deep flowing river and I will let the fighting current of negative dry the fuck up!  I am putting my yoga into action rather than waiting for it to “just happen”.   That means showing up, doing the work, reflecting on what works, letting go of what doesn’t and then doing it all over and over again.

I think unconsciously I started this blog so that I could create a sort-of cheerleader to push me into this next decade with some momentum.  As I’ve written every post I have heard my inner voice get louder and louder saying you can do it! You can make your dreams reality. Fuck the naysayers, fuck the itty bitty shitty committee living in my head, fuck the drama, fuck the past, fuck the fear, fuck it all! You CAN DO THIS!! MAKE SHIT HAPPEN! And then I realize it is happening. Even in the moments where the self-doubt creeps in, I catch myself – each time a little quicker than the last.  It is not always easy, it is still far from perfect, but it’s happening and that my friends is progress! I am a yoga teacher, and I am living my yoga – day in and day out. And that is a beautiful thing :)

ps. want to know what else Patrick says? click here

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