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Day 2 – free to be

truth

When I was younger, I thought 30 meant I was an adult.  I thought that by 30 life would look a certain way, I thought things would be easy and fun all day everyday, I thought I would have a certain amount of money in my bank account and a super awesome life that looked something like this:  a high paying career, house with a white picket fence, 2-3 kids, a super amazing husband, a range rover, released my first best-selling book, was the therapist for Madonna’s kids and had been on Oprah… at least once.

30 is around the corner …I haven’t quite figured out the career thing, I hate white picket fences, I don’t want to have children, my husband is super amazing (got that one), I don’t drive a Range Rover…thank god! have you seen the gas prices these days?!  my book hasn’t made it past page one… yet., I am no longer a working therapist, and sadly Oprah hasn’t called… yet.  30 used to seem far away; it used to seem like a big huge milestone into the world of adulthood, the world of “real life”, the end of my youth.  I thought by 30 I would have it all figured out. The truth is, I don’t.  The truth is I don’t feel all that old. Currently, I am on a family vaca in San Fran with the in-laws (parents/bro arrive tomorrow am).  Sitting around eating dinner, watching the Tigers lose 🙁 doesn’t feel much different than when I was in high school hanging out on their couch pretending to be interested in a sport I know nothing about (sorry Mary Jo).  What I’ve realized is that there is no switch that changes life from kid to adult – I will forever be somewhere in the messed up middle. And the truth is, I like that place.  There are quite a lot of perks 🙂

Growing up I thought I had to be a certain “something”, a certain “someone”. Throughout my 20’s I was always racing to “get” there.  Wherever the fuck “there” is.  I put tremendous pressure on myself and on occasion drove myself insane. (remember: I am harder on myself than anyone ever could be, ever.)  I don’t know where the pressure came from – it was just always there.  Maybe because I had super high achieving (and rather amazing, might I add) parents, and felt I had to be just like them, have what they had.  I was (and probably still am to some degree) constantly comparing, judging and feeling less than.  The MA degree, the certifications, the awesome jobs, the praise from employers/fam/friends, the accomplishments were never enough.  The focus was never on enjoying the moment – always on what I “should” be doing, on this expectation of where I “should” be.  This past year has been all about change and transformation, a lot of growth and acceptance.  I have realized that I don’t have to be anyone, I don’t have do anything.  Like Muhammad Ali said – “…I don’t have to be what you want me to be, I’m free to be what I want.”  So this year I’m going to do what I fucking want! I am going to have fun. I am going to let go of the pressure/expectation/judgment.  I am going to make shit happen and live!  Fuck the 20’s. Bring it 30’s!

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