day 10 – poison vs nectar

Writing a blog a day is hard work.  Especially after super long, intensely filled days.  A friend of mine, the wonderful Chelsea Vespa, otherwise known as LA Nanny, recently asked me the following questions after a mini breakdown while writing #30daysto30:

Are you sure this isn’t making you crazy?
Are you getting any joy out of it?
Is it working for you?

These are questions I ask my students/clients all the time.  Yet, when presented to me, it was a pretty hard hit.  The truth is I’m not really sure yet.  Joy? not so much. Crazy? not quite crazy… a little nutty, sure.  Working? definitely working, just not in the way I expected it to.  Another lesson reinforced.  No expectations = no disappointment.  The frustrations and difficulty I’ve been working through are related to unmet, unrealistic expectations.  Time to de-link from the outcome and enjoy the ride!

They say it takes 60 days to form a habit.  A negative habit is pretty easy… something feels good, keep doing it, then it stops feeling good, but too late, habits already formed.  However, to form a positive habit, that is a bit trickier.  It often takes more effort, feels awkward and uncomfortable at first.  Like putting on an already wet wet suit – ever given that a try?  But once it’s on, awww yea, warmth baby.

One of my favorite sayings that seems to be on repeat for me lately is:

What tastes like poison in the beginning is often nectar in the end, and what tastes like nectar in the beginning is often poison in the end.

So right now, on day 10, the blog might be making me a bit nutty, it isn’t bringing me all that much joy yet, but I know that it is for sure working for me, because I am working for it and that work is the reward, not the outcome.  The dedication to follow through with something I started.  To not give up when it gets tough and uncomfortable, causes late nights and self-doubt I thought I had worked through to rear its ugly head once again.  Guess there’s more work to be done… and what better way to deal with that than on a completely public forum for the world to see and judge and criticize right? Right :)  While this process may taste a little like poison tonight, I know that in the end, no matter the outcome, there will be nectar.  I don’t know what that will look like, I don’t know if my expectations will end up being met after all, in fact I don’t even really know what my expectations are anymore.  Although, I am starting to get an idea based on the agitations that keep showing up for me.

So tonight I am posting knowing that something sweet is coming.  Grateful for all that has preceded it – without the dark, how can we know/appreciate light?

Here’s to doing the work for 20 more days and beyond!

To be cont’d...